What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i love accidental penises.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
