I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
