Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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