I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
