So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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