So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
