Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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