you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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