I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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