i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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