My liver just broke up with me...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
