Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
