She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
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I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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