two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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