she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
