he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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