Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
there was a trapeze. enough said
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
