She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
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There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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