You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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