I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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