You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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