She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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