I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
