So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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