I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
