Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
