are you still at the devil's house?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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