Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
