Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
