for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
