Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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