Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
tell me about the eggs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
