every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
