The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
