Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
