My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
