I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
