My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
