she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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