Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
