true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
