Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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