Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
