I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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