Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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