I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
