I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
