He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
