The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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