gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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