Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
