Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid

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(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Read it at the TFLN blog
(401): View more from Rhode Island

It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.

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(541): View more from Oregon

YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.

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