U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
