I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
