You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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