Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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