She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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