I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
