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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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