I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
