i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
